Where should you put mail? Try a mailbox, you dummy.
Where did I put my iPod earbuds? Why is there a rolled up sock on this bookshelf? How did I forget that I had a bunch of red Skittles mixed in with these pens? These are questions that plague us all, because we are busy bees, hurriedly buzzing through this hive we call life (that is maybe the dumbest sentence I’ve ever written, but I’m sticking with it, because I just can’t say “no” to bees).
In answer to literally zero of those questions, but in answer to some other ones that you never asked, I have compiled this helpful list. You’re welcome! Mail thank-you poundcakes to Santa Cruz, care of: a swarm of bees.
Question 1: What are some good things to put in my ears?
Answer: Have you tried music? Specifically English-language Swedish music, which might sound like an unnecessarily obscure genre, but is really quite large and overflowing with wonderful songs like Säkert!’s “Quiet,” Jens Lekman’s “A Postcard to Nina,” or my recent favorite, “Blue” by First Aid Kit?
Question 2: What about my mouth? What should I have in there?
Answer: I find it odd that you phrased the question like that, but I’ll answer it anyway. There are really only two things that you should put in your mouth: roasted lemon and thyme hummus, and the word “synesthesia,” both of which have a nice mouthfeel.
Question 3: I have 35 two-dollar bills hidden beneath my bedroom rug and I’m not sure how to spend them. Any ideas?
Answer: I have exactly three ideas for what to do with your stash of Jeffersons. One thing you can do is to throw the cash in the air like confetti and pretend that you’re Richie Rich, which will feel awesome, probably. A less obnoxious option is that you can have a custom dress made by the amazing Judith at Rusty Cuts. I have a Star Wars dress from her that nets me more compliments than anything else I have every worn, including my “Give Me a Compliment and I’ll Give You a Dollar” tee shirt.
I took this picture months ago when I first got my force frock so that I could text braggy pics of it to everyone on my contact list.
Rest assured–my modeling skills have NOT improved.
Another brilliant idea is that you buy a copy of the Spanish horror film Tesis ($20), pick up some Buffalo Trace bourbon ($22) and a variety of fancy cheeses ($20) and haul it all to my apartment, where we’ll have a night of friendship that you’ll never forget (priceless).
If you like scary movies AND you have a thing for actors named “Fele,” you are in for a real treat.
I realize that that last idea leaves you with 8 extra dollars. Put those bills back under your rug or buy me tulips.
What other questions are you dying to have answered? Have you missed me? Do you happen to know where my car keys are?